Frustrated

Lately I have been very frustrated. The thing is I could not tell you why. I don't know if it is the stress of school almost being over and me freaking out about studying for finals and packing to go home and to go on vacation. I just have been very annoyed with everything lately. Every little thing has been making me really upset. It could be the littlest thing and it will just set me off and I hate it. I hate that I feel like this right now and I have tried to change my attitude but I just feel as though I can't and well to be honest it sucks. I am usually not a very frustrated person I usually don't let things get to me. I kind of just let them go in hopes that things will get better and most of the time they do. However, this time is different I don't know what it is about this time that I am so frustrated with but I am so over this attitude. I really want to have a good last week of my sophomore of college because I know it is something that I cannot get back. Nothing else has seemed to work so I decided to blog about it to see if that would help get some of my frustration out of me and on to a computer. A friend once told me that I needed to start writing because I can't just keep everything inside of me because it will eventually all just build up and I will just have one big break down and I definitely did not want this. So, I took his advice and I started to write in a journal. I would write about everything most of the time it was when I was really upset and needed to get everything out of me. Writing definitely has helped a lot when I am frustrated and upset or I don't know where to go. I think that is one of the reasons that I started to write a blog. I got tired of writing on paper and I thought hey wouldn't a blog be a good idea to start. I had always loved to read other people's blogs but I never thought I would start my own blog but look at me now I have a blog now and I blog about life and just different thoughts that I have.

Today's blog may not be as happy or uplifting as others but I haven't felt very happy lately. This week has been very stressful just trying to figure everything out that is going on in my life. It has been a week where I have just really reflected on this year. As I have said before this year has been different than any other year that I have ever been through. It was definitely worth all the pain and hurt that I had to go through to get to where I am today. However, where I am today is not where I want to be. I am restless. I want to get up and just go. I don't like staying in one place for very long. Especially when I know summer is just right around the corner. I am person who loves to be on the go. I love to travel. If I get the chance to go somewhere and I don't have anything else to do then I just go just to go. Abby and I definitely did a lot of traveling last summer. I think that is why we are so close sometimes. We don't like to just sit around we want to be up going somewhere or doing something. We just want to always be going somewhere. I guess I feel like if I am not going anywhere that my life is kind of useless. I am always up for an adventure. I always want to try new things and look for new places to travel to. I think that is why I am so excited to go on vacation because well first it gets me out of Indiana but it also is something new. I have been on cruises before but this is a different cruise it's smaller and it is not like any other vacation that I have been on. I am also going with people that I have not been on vacation with in a really long time. I know that a vacation will definitely relax me but I want to feel a little bit less stressed right now so that is why I am writing. I am just frustrated with life. I am upset that I could have done so much this year and I didn't. I am really frustrated that I am still allergic to bees. I know kind of random but I had to go get my allergy shot today and I reacted which is just so upsetting. I have been getting allergy shots since I was seven years old and I thought by this point in my life bees would not be a part of my life that I would have to worry about but they definitely still are. I know this blog is a bunch of me complaining and I would love to tell you that I don't complain a lot but that would be lie because I do complain a lot. Asks my sisters they will tell you. It's definitely something that I hate and I have been trying for many years to work on. I don't know what it is about complaining because in the end it gets me know where and most of the time it doesn't make me feel better. Anyways I feel a little bit better and I'm sure as the day goes on I will start to relax a little. I know that this blog was not very good especially because I complained a lot but thanks for listening.

Coming to a close...

Second Semester of my sophomore almost over!? Say what? Can't believe that I have two more weeks of my sophomore year left. I feel like it was just the other day that I was moving into my dorm freshmen. Feeling very scared not knowing how I would do at college or even if I would like it. It's been over a year since that day. It's so crazy to think about. I went home this weekend for Easter. It was definitely good to be home but it was hard to come back to school knowing that in two weeks I would back at home for the summer. It also made me think about a lot of things that have been going on in my life lately. Where my life is at this point in time. I realized that this summer I turn 21. While I am so excited about this birthday it just makes me really think about what I have done with my life up until this point. 21 is kind of a big number. I freaked out when I turned 20 because to that was such a big number and now I have to add one more to that number. I am not sure how to feel about this. Lately I feel like I have not really been living my life but I have just let it pass by and I have just watched it. It's so weird to try and explain this feeling but I feel as though I just see me doing all this stuff and I don't know why I am doing it or I can't stop myself from doing it.

I decided to read some of my old posts to see if they could help me at all and of course they did. They reminded me of a lot of things. I read one about my birthday and weekend and what someone told me. They told me on my 20th birthday that the next ten years are really going to change who you are. Whoa! This is crazy but so so true. Just think about it. It hasn't even been a year yet and I feel as though I have already changed. I can't imagine what the next nine years hold.

This year has definitely been hard. There has been a lot of sadness, heartbreak, and just plain rough times. It has made an impact on my life. When I look back on my year there is probably a lot that I should regret but as I sit here and I think about what I should regret I have to say to myself is it really worth regretting. What is regretting something really going to do for me? It's not going to make that point in time go away. It's not going to make me feel any better. In fact it is going to make me feel worse. It is like this big weight that I just have to carry around. Yes, this year was hard and yes I did things that I should regret but I also learned something I can't sit around here regretting things and living in the past because where is that going to get me. I'll tell you where that gets me it's gets me right back to where I started. It doesn't let me go anywhere because if I keep regretting things I keep going back to things wonder what I could have done differently. So then I go running back to those things just to make the same mistake again. So this I have learned to let things go don't hold onto the past because in the end it is just going to get right back to where you started and that is some place that I don't want to be.

I want to keep moving forward with my life. I am almost 21 years old. I still have so much more to live for and I don't want to miss a moment of my life because I am too busy living in the past. Trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I am tired of living as a part of the audience of my life. I am ready to take hold of my life and be the shining star. So as look back on my year I say goodbye to the past and hello to a bright future that will probably have more regrets in it but I am not going to let them get to me anymore.

Happy Birthday Abby Neal!

Today is Abby's 20th birthday! Abby is one of my very best friends. We have known each other since middle school and to be completely honest I don't know where I would be without her in my life. Abby and I have a very awesome friendship. We have the type of friendship where we tell each other how it is and we don't care if the other one gets made. We tell each other the truth even when we know that it is going to hurt. Abby has been there for me through thick and thin. She went with me this year to say goodbye to a friend. Yes she knew the girl who passed away but she also knew that I couldn't get through it without her. She is such an awesome person. We have always been there for each other. Our senior year of high school we went on a cruise with my family and I am so happy that she could go with me because it was probably one of the best spring breaks ever. She has been there when guys have broken my heart. She has also told me many times when I have been stupid for liking a boy or if I kept going back to a boy she told me that I was stupid and I needed to be done. I would not change a thing about our friendship. So Abby Happy Birthday! I hope that it was a FANTASTIC birthday! I hope that our friendship keeps getting better and better. I hope that we will celebrate many more birthdays together. I also hope we grow up and move away that we will go and see each other. Also you can come visit me and see my children who will call you aunt Abby. Love you girl!

Summer

Yes I know that it is not summer yet, but it is so close to being here. I am so excited for summer! It is going to be such a great time but as the semester nears the end it makes really stop and think about the year that I have had. Have I accomplished the things that I have wanted to? Am I where I want to be in life? Was this year what I thought it was going to be? How did this year go? All these questions have been running through my mind. That and the fact that I am almost done with my second year of college. It feels like I was just going into high school and now you are telling me that I am almost half way done with my college career. I'm not sure how to feel about this after all when college is done it is time to be a grown up and be on my own. YIKES!

As I look at this school year as a whole. It has been okay I guess. Am I where I want to be I guess you could say that. It was definitely a different year. I experienced things that I never thought I would. I joined a sorority which is definitely a plus and is definitely making me the person that I am. However, this year has been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. There always seemed to be something going on and I probably made things a lot bigger deal than they needed to be. This year was definitely different. I struggled a lot this year with a lot of different things. During the fall I was just done with everything. I was frustrated with everything because me being the drama queen that I am thought that nothing was going my way. My friend passed away and then my best friends from last year and I were not as close as we used to be and I felt like we were never going to be close again. However, a short Christmas break and some talks with some people made me realize that my life isn't as bad as I thought it was. Yes, I had some hard times but I got through them and that's what really counts.

I realized this year that it's not about all the bad times in your life. It's about the fact that you made it through them. You hear people all the time complaining about their lives and everything that is going wrong in it. Believe me I do it too, but have you ever really stopped and really looked at your life at the people that are in your life. The people that are constantly forming you into the person that you are today or are just looking at the situations that you have been put in. Yes, you are going to be put in hard situations and yes sometimes it seems as if there is no light at the end of the tunnel but believe me the people that are put into your lives are there for a reason. They are there to tell you when you are being stupid. They are there when a stupid boy breaks your heart (or if a girl breaks your heart). They are there when someone has passed away in your family. They are there if you need a good laugh. Just remember that no matter what someone is always going to be there for you. You may feel alone at times but just look at all the people that have your back because believe it or not there are more people than you think.

I know that I just gained a whole lot more this year after joining Phi Mu. I know that no matter what my sisters will be there for me when I need them the most. They have already proven it to me. One of the deciding factors that made chose Phi Mu was when my grandma passed away I got a text from one of my friends telling me that the Phi Mu girls were thinking about my family and me on that day. That just blew me away. Most of these girls didn't even know me and they still were there for me. So yes this year may have been hard at times but as I look back on it I am so thankful for this year because it has made me who I am right now and I love who I am right now. Yes I have some things that I need to work on and I am working on those things. I'm not prefect and I know that I never will be. I also know that life is never going to be prefect. We are going to be thrown curve balls but we just have to hit them out of the park and go on with life know that moment in life helped us become who we are.

One Day Without Shoes

Today was TOMS Shoes day without shoes. It was so awesome to see everyone that participated in it. TOMS shoes if you didn't know is obviously a shoe company for every pair you purchase TOMS will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need. I first heard about TOMS through my sister at that point I was a little interested but I was just in high school and really didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Then last year during my freshmen year of college Blake Mycoski,the founder of TOMS, came and spoke at Ball State. After hearing him talking and him saying that they had internships available I was immediately on board. That was and is my dream job. I want so badly to work for TOMS. Their movement is so awesome. They give shoes to children that can't afford them and because they can't afford shoes they can't go to school. I can't even imagine how hard that would be.

Today however I got a small taste of what they go through. I went barefoot today. I really didn't know if I wanted to do it or not. I like to be clean so for me to walk around campus with no shoes really grossed me out at first but as I thought about it I realized that it's not about me. It is for the children who can't afford shoes that have to walk through way worse conditions than I did today. That is what made me finally decided for sure that I was going barefoot. It was for the children that I hopefully will meet one day! These children have to walk EVERYDAY with no shoes their feet get so dirty and they are very pron to get diseases while walking around. This really pulls at my heart. I really wish that I could know what these children really go through. I only got a taste today and it was definitely hard at first but as the day went on I got more and more used to it. At the end of the day however I don't think that I could do it everyday. My feet hurt and were so dirty by the end the day. My whole body felt gross so I can't even imagine what these children feel like. I love children they have a special place in my heart. So when children on in trouble or need help my heart feels for them and I want to do something for them. This is why I decided to try and get a job at TOMS.

I really want to be a part of the TOMS team someday. I want so badly to go on a shoe drop. I can't even imagine what it would be like to put shoes on children feet so they can go to school and they don't have to worry about getting diseases. I hope and pray that someday I will get to meet these children and put shoes on their feet with the rest of TOMS team. For now I am doing everything possible to help these children and you should to. TOMS are way cute shoes and you should definitely look into getting a pair and find more out about the movement at www.toms.com. check it out and if you feel so inclined buy a shoe, have an event, or just give money because it is definitely going towards a great cause!

LIfe Changes

My sophomore year is coming to a close. I am not really sure how to feel about this especially since it means I am one step closer to becoming an adult. This year has been full of many testing times. I have tried my hardest to get through all of these tests but they are sometimes very difficult to get through. I have heard that sophomore year is the hardest but I never really believe it. However, after the year that I have had I totally believe that sophomore year is the hardest to get through. There have been times where I just want to give up and throw in the towel.

This year definitely did not start how I wanted it to. It started with having to say goodbye to a friend. I can still remember when my mom came into my room while I was packing up to school telling me that my friend was killed in a car accident. This was definitely not the way I thought my school year would start. I still packed up everything to head up to school only having to come home two days later to say my final good bye to a great friend.Once returning to school classes became overwhelming and friendships started to fall apart. I tried to be strong and power through it all but I just felt like I couldn't power through. Christmas break came around and I couldn't have been more excited. Over Christmas break however I learned that my grandma wasn't doing so well. Yet another bump in the road but once again I thought I could power through it especially since I decided that I was going to rush.

I came back from Christmas break and found a sorority that I fell in love with. Once again another bump in the road, my grandma was not doing well and I had to go home. While I was at home she passed away. I knew that it was for the best but it was so hard to see my mom upset. My mom is someone who has always been there for me so for me to her upset killed me. My mom is a great person and I can't even imagine my life without her. She has provided for me and she has always supported me no matter what.

While at home I got a bid from Phi Mu, the sorority that I fell in with. I was so happy this was definitely a high point in this year. When I got back I got to know more of the girls and fell more in love with Phi Mu. As the semester went on things started to look up. Especially with getting a big sis and with initiation. The best thing that has happened to me this semester though is becoming an aunt. I love being an aunt.

Being an aunt is so great. It just sucks that I can't be home to see him and hold him like the rest of my family has. This has definitely been getting to me more than I have realized. I feel as I am failing as an aunt because I am not there to see my nephew. I feel like I am missing him growing up. I know that Ball State is where I need to be but at the same time I just want to run home and not come back. After the this year I have been so tempted to just go home and not come back. There has been so much going on but I realized lately that sometimes all you can do is power through everything and keep my head up. With everything that has happened this year. I have learned that I have to stay positive and no matter what happens to know that I will get though it.