Not the same

I am turning 21 on Sunday. I am so excited for this birthday! However, I started today I began to realize that 21 is a big number. When you turn 21 you are supposed to share it with all of your friends and have a good time. You are supposed to spend time with your family as well. As I was washing dishes today I looked at a picture of my grandparents that my mom has sitting on the ledge in front of the sink. I started to think about all the great times that I had with my grandparents when they were still with me. I remember running around in their house and staying the night when my parents went on vacation or just needed a night to themselves. They were always there for my birthdays and most summers we would spend out on their lake by their house. I started to think about how they weren't going to be able to make it to this birthday because they aren't with us anymore. The more I started to think about the more upset I got this. This is supposed to be a big birthday for me and I can't even share it with the two people that helped raised me and had a part in who I am today.

As my mind began to wonder even more I realized that one of my best friends that passed away at the beginning of the school year won't be able to share my birthday with me. This is what really hit me. Me, her, and another one of my friends would always talk about when we turned 21 and how great it was going to be especially when I turned 21 because I was the last one to turn 21. Now sitting here thinking about it makes me teary eyed. My birthday won't be the same without her. Of course my mind started to wonder even further and I started thinking about other important things in my life that I would love to share with these people but can't. When I get married my grandparents won't be able to see me walk down the isle. My friend won't be able to be a bride maid in my wedding. There are just so many things that they are going to miss and I hate that I can't share these big dates in my life. I can't share what would be important dates to my friend with her because she doesn't get the chance to have those dates. My 21st and my wedding won't be the same without these people here sharing it with me.

If I have learned one thing this year is don't ever take your friends and your family for granted. Tell them you love each and everyday. If you are fighting be the one to make it okay because you never know if they will be there tomorrow or if they will be able to make it to those important dates. So live life to the fullest make mistakes but learn from them. Love on everyone that comes into your life. If you have enemies forgive them. If you want to talk to someone do it don't wait until the next day or week. You never know who will be here for those important dates in your life.

acceptance

What would do to be accepted? It's a question that we have all heard. But have you really ever stopped and really thought about it? We always hear the question, would you jump off a cliff if your friends did it. I think that full meaning of this question is not really if your friends did something stupid would you do. I believe that it is more would you do something stupid in order to feel accepted. Maybe everyone else has already figured that one out and I am just a little slow but I think that it is a good question to asks. Most people would probably answer I wouldn't do anything I really didn't want to do, but how do you know that for sure. I feel like a lot of times we answers questions that we truly do not know the answer to unless we are put in that exact situation. Yeah we have the answer that we hope we would do but in the end we don't really know for sure.

If you think about you have probably done a lot of things that you never thought you would do in order to feel accepted. I am sure at some point in your life you treated someone badly because that's what the "in-crowd" was doing and you wanted to be a part of that crowd so you did it too even though you knew it was wrong. You would think that as you got older you would start to care less about what other think about you and you would not feel as though you always needed to be accepted, but I think as we get older we want to be accepted even more than when we were younger. We are influenced by so many different things. Every commercial you see on tv influences you. The media is constantly telling how to look, act, and wear if we wanted to be accepted in the society that we live in. We buy into it too. I know that so many times I have looked at different pictures and thought if I could just have this or that then I would be accepted and happy, but I have learned that is the totally wrong way to think.

Just because you look a certain way, dress a certain way, or act a certain way does not mean that you are automatically going to be accepted. People are so concerned with being accepted that they lose sight of who they once were. They turned into the people that they never thought they would turn into. They are doing things that they said they would never do. It just is so crazy to me think about what people do to be accepted. I know that I fall into this category too that I will do certain things just to feel accepted. I guess at the end of the day though we all have to asks ourselves if being accepted is worth giving up who we truly are? I don't think it is but then again when put in the situation of wanting to be accepted it is hard to remember that. So I believe that sometimes being accepted wins out and that's not how it should be. We should be true to ourselves and not care what other people really think because what do they really know if you are happy that's all that matters.

traveling

I just got back a week ago from a much needed vacation. While on this vacation I had a lot of time to just think,relax, and spend time with family. I did a lot of thinking because well I couldn't use my phone and there was no internet so what else was I supposed to do. I'm just kidding I love vacations because they give me so much time to think. I just finished my sophomore year of college and honestly it is so hard for me to believe that I am already halfway done with my college career. I don't feel like I am ready to go out into the real world in two years. It is just very scary for me to think about. Anyways I realized on vacation and pretty much the past few weeks who I really am and where I want my life to go.

This year has not been easy but I have made it through it. I think that there is a reason it was so hard. I think it was for me to realize that I can make through tough times I just have to have faith. I have truly learned how strong I am. I am also starting to realize that I am not one to want to really stay in one place very long. I love to travel and I realized this on my vacation. I was so excited when I got on the plane and the coolest feeling ever is when you take off you get this feeling in your stomach that is hard to describe but I get so excited every time. I sit and I wonder what this trip is going to bring. What new and interesting things am I going to see? What kind of new people am I going to meet? I just love everything about travel. It just gives you so many new experiences and it just makes you open your eyes to things that you have not seen before.

With all this being said I realized that I am a very on the go type person. I always want to be doing something or going somewhere if I'm not then I have feel like I am just wasting my time. I want to travel all over the world the only problem is that I don't have money to do that. I want to go to different countries and help out in any way I can. I really want to work for TOMS but I realized that if I don't get that job I would love a job that I could travel and see different parts of the world because honestly other countries and different cultures interest me so much. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for me. I'm sure whatever it is will be great.

Ending Sophomore year

I didn't know if I would have time to write this the day before I go home like I did last year because well I have finals and unlike last year they are going to be hard. Anyways as I sit at my desk for one of the last times and I type one of my last blogs as a sophomore it is all so surreal. I can't believe that I am almost finished with my second year of college. I feel like it was just the other day that I was walking across that stage in my high school gym to receive my diploma and now I am sitting here my room almost completely empty getting ready to complete my sophomore year. As I have said before a lot has happened this year. I feel each year I learn something new. This year I learned that life isn't always so easy. Yes I have been faced with hardships before in my life but none like I had to go through this year.

School this whole year was just hard altogether. First semester there was just so much work I would have to get done in a week and on top of that I have was having issues with some of my friends. I wasn't sure what to do most days. Most days I would come back from classes and do homework and being completely stressed all the time. There was not one day first semester that at the end of the day I wasn't worn out and was ready for bed in hopes that the next day would be better. Now I'm not saying that first semester was completely terrible and that I didn't have a few good days because I did they were just rare and when I did have them I definitely cherished them. It just felt like most days were never ending. So when winter break came around I was so excited. I went home and just had time to relax. When it was time to come back I was not ready because a part of me thought that second semester would be just like first semester. I however convinced myself that it would be better no matter what because there were a lot of good things going on in my life and I was going to become an aunt. Boy was I wrong second semester was not as bad as first semester but just little things would pop up and would be very frustrating. Most of my days were good for the most part. There were so days that I wondered if they would ever end. I joined a sorority second semester and do not regret it one bit. They are changing my life.

This year was definitely hard but it has once again taught me something. It has taught me that things that you believe in are going to be tested. You are going to have those moments when all you want to do is throw in the towel and say that I'm done. However, I learned that if you push through all these hard times that end result is so great. Yes, it was a hard year but I learned so much from this year. I have learned a lot more about myself. Who I am and where my life is going. I learned that even when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel it's there just waiting on me to realize that it is there.

Life isn't about all the good times. It about the bad times too. It's about the hard times and getting through those hard times that truly makes you who you are. I know that with the bad things that happen in my life I learn from them and I also learn a little bit more about myself. So while this year was hard and I can't wait for a summer with my friends. I learned a lot about myself. How much I can handle and where my life is going from this point.

Frustrated

Lately I have been very frustrated. The thing is I could not tell you why. I don't know if it is the stress of school almost being over and me freaking out about studying for finals and packing to go home and to go on vacation. I just have been very annoyed with everything lately. Every little thing has been making me really upset. It could be the littlest thing and it will just set me off and I hate it. I hate that I feel like this right now and I have tried to change my attitude but I just feel as though I can't and well to be honest it sucks. I am usually not a very frustrated person I usually don't let things get to me. I kind of just let them go in hopes that things will get better and most of the time they do. However, this time is different I don't know what it is about this time that I am so frustrated with but I am so over this attitude. I really want to have a good last week of my sophomore of college because I know it is something that I cannot get back. Nothing else has seemed to work so I decided to blog about it to see if that would help get some of my frustration out of me and on to a computer. A friend once told me that I needed to start writing because I can't just keep everything inside of me because it will eventually all just build up and I will just have one big break down and I definitely did not want this. So, I took his advice and I started to write in a journal. I would write about everything most of the time it was when I was really upset and needed to get everything out of me. Writing definitely has helped a lot when I am frustrated and upset or I don't know where to go. I think that is one of the reasons that I started to write a blog. I got tired of writing on paper and I thought hey wouldn't a blog be a good idea to start. I had always loved to read other people's blogs but I never thought I would start my own blog but look at me now I have a blog now and I blog about life and just different thoughts that I have.

Today's blog may not be as happy or uplifting as others but I haven't felt very happy lately. This week has been very stressful just trying to figure everything out that is going on in my life. It has been a week where I have just really reflected on this year. As I have said before this year has been different than any other year that I have ever been through. It was definitely worth all the pain and hurt that I had to go through to get to where I am today. However, where I am today is not where I want to be. I am restless. I want to get up and just go. I don't like staying in one place for very long. Especially when I know summer is just right around the corner. I am person who loves to be on the go. I love to travel. If I get the chance to go somewhere and I don't have anything else to do then I just go just to go. Abby and I definitely did a lot of traveling last summer. I think that is why we are so close sometimes. We don't like to just sit around we want to be up going somewhere or doing something. We just want to always be going somewhere. I guess I feel like if I am not going anywhere that my life is kind of useless. I am always up for an adventure. I always want to try new things and look for new places to travel to. I think that is why I am so excited to go on vacation because well first it gets me out of Indiana but it also is something new. I have been on cruises before but this is a different cruise it's smaller and it is not like any other vacation that I have been on. I am also going with people that I have not been on vacation with in a really long time. I know that a vacation will definitely relax me but I want to feel a little bit less stressed right now so that is why I am writing. I am just frustrated with life. I am upset that I could have done so much this year and I didn't. I am really frustrated that I am still allergic to bees. I know kind of random but I had to go get my allergy shot today and I reacted which is just so upsetting. I have been getting allergy shots since I was seven years old and I thought by this point in my life bees would not be a part of my life that I would have to worry about but they definitely still are. I know this blog is a bunch of me complaining and I would love to tell you that I don't complain a lot but that would be lie because I do complain a lot. Asks my sisters they will tell you. It's definitely something that I hate and I have been trying for many years to work on. I don't know what it is about complaining because in the end it gets me know where and most of the time it doesn't make me feel better. Anyways I feel a little bit better and I'm sure as the day goes on I will start to relax a little. I know that this blog was not very good especially because I complained a lot but thanks for listening.

Coming to a close...

Second Semester of my sophomore almost over!? Say what? Can't believe that I have two more weeks of my sophomore year left. I feel like it was just the other day that I was moving into my dorm freshmen. Feeling very scared not knowing how I would do at college or even if I would like it. It's been over a year since that day. It's so crazy to think about. I went home this weekend for Easter. It was definitely good to be home but it was hard to come back to school knowing that in two weeks I would back at home for the summer. It also made me think about a lot of things that have been going on in my life lately. Where my life is at this point in time. I realized that this summer I turn 21. While I am so excited about this birthday it just makes me really think about what I have done with my life up until this point. 21 is kind of a big number. I freaked out when I turned 20 because to that was such a big number and now I have to add one more to that number. I am not sure how to feel about this. Lately I feel like I have not really been living my life but I have just let it pass by and I have just watched it. It's so weird to try and explain this feeling but I feel as though I just see me doing all this stuff and I don't know why I am doing it or I can't stop myself from doing it.

I decided to read some of my old posts to see if they could help me at all and of course they did. They reminded me of a lot of things. I read one about my birthday and weekend and what someone told me. They told me on my 20th birthday that the next ten years are really going to change who you are. Whoa! This is crazy but so so true. Just think about it. It hasn't even been a year yet and I feel as though I have already changed. I can't imagine what the next nine years hold.

This year has definitely been hard. There has been a lot of sadness, heartbreak, and just plain rough times. It has made an impact on my life. When I look back on my year there is probably a lot that I should regret but as I sit here and I think about what I should regret I have to say to myself is it really worth regretting. What is regretting something really going to do for me? It's not going to make that point in time go away. It's not going to make me feel any better. In fact it is going to make me feel worse. It is like this big weight that I just have to carry around. Yes, this year was hard and yes I did things that I should regret but I also learned something I can't sit around here regretting things and living in the past because where is that going to get me. I'll tell you where that gets me it's gets me right back to where I started. It doesn't let me go anywhere because if I keep regretting things I keep going back to things wonder what I could have done differently. So then I go running back to those things just to make the same mistake again. So this I have learned to let things go don't hold onto the past because in the end it is just going to get right back to where you started and that is some place that I don't want to be.

I want to keep moving forward with my life. I am almost 21 years old. I still have so much more to live for and I don't want to miss a moment of my life because I am too busy living in the past. Trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I am tired of living as a part of the audience of my life. I am ready to take hold of my life and be the shining star. So as look back on my year I say goodbye to the past and hello to a bright future that will probably have more regrets in it but I am not going to let them get to me anymore.

Happy Birthday Abby Neal!

Today is Abby's 20th birthday! Abby is one of my very best friends. We have known each other since middle school and to be completely honest I don't know where I would be without her in my life. Abby and I have a very awesome friendship. We have the type of friendship where we tell each other how it is and we don't care if the other one gets made. We tell each other the truth even when we know that it is going to hurt. Abby has been there for me through thick and thin. She went with me this year to say goodbye to a friend. Yes she knew the girl who passed away but she also knew that I couldn't get through it without her. She is such an awesome person. We have always been there for each other. Our senior year of high school we went on a cruise with my family and I am so happy that she could go with me because it was probably one of the best spring breaks ever. She has been there when guys have broken my heart. She has also told me many times when I have been stupid for liking a boy or if I kept going back to a boy she told me that I was stupid and I needed to be done. I would not change a thing about our friendship. So Abby Happy Birthday! I hope that it was a FANTASTIC birthday! I hope that our friendship keeps getting better and better. I hope that we will celebrate many more birthdays together. I also hope we grow up and move away that we will go and see each other. Also you can come visit me and see my children who will call you aunt Abby. Love you girl!