Birthday Weekend

This past Saturday I had my 20th birthday. As this day approached I wasn't sure how to feel about it. At the start of the week I couldn't wait for my birthday to come. My friends from school were coming to see me and I was just excited to hang out with friends and have a good time. However life is full of surprises and the week started off terrible. Nothing seemed to be going my way. Things just kept happening and I didn't know what to do about any of them. I just kept hoping that as my birthday got closer things would start to look up. Once again they really didn't. I started to think about how old I was going to be. I was going to be 20. I was no longer going to be a teenager. It was time for me to really mature. When I thought about being 20 it kind of scared me. 20 to me was a big number. One of my friends did not help me to forget that I was turning 20. Every chance she got she told me that I was going to be 20. As the day got closer I got more excited and started to forget the week that I had. I decided that I was not going to let those things get to me.

My friends from school finally got here and I was so happy to see them. They made the week so much better. I had looked forward to seeing them all summer. We had so much catching up. The next day they went with me to babysit. That day the kids' mom made me and cake and she also said something that will probably stick with me for a long time. She told me that these next ten years a lot will happen. As I began to think about what she said it made a lot of sense. In these next ten years I will graduate from college, start a career, and probably get married. These things are pretty big stepping stones in my life. Most of the time these things would scare me but I have realized that it is just part of growing up. I am also not scared because I know that the future holds great things and I cannot wait to see what is going to happen.

My birthday weekend turned out to be a pretty good one. I went to the cheesecake factory with my family and got to spend my birthday with some pretty great people. People who have been a part of who I am today.

Stressed...

The past week I have been very stressed out and frustrated. The thing is I have no idea why I have been like this. Most of the time i can figure out why I am stressed out and then figure out a way to take care of it but for the past week I have been very stressed and don't know how to fix it. In most cases I would just not worry about it and it would eventually go away. However this time is different than every other time. My stress had lead to getting upset with people for no reason what so ever and I feel terrible about. I'm not sure what to do about it. So i decided that I should blog and see if it helped anything.

For the past week I have been babysitting it's what I do in the summer. However last week the boy that I watch decided to see how far he could push until I got really upset. Well he succeed. He was acting up everyday and I felt like I couldn't control him. I tried everything but he decided to still misbehave and disrespect me. At first I thought oh this is what is causing my stress by the weekend it should be better.

As the weekend got closer my stress got worse. The boy started to act more and I was having other issues in my life that I had to deal with. I had to decide what to do about a friendship that I felt was not worth the effort anymore. Things with this friendship were great at the start of the summer but as summer went on things got worse. I was upset because I felt as though this person didn't want to hang out with me anymore. This person was one of my best friends all through high school and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what went wrong in our friendship. So by the middle of the week I decided that I was done with that I had fought to hold our friendship together but nothing was working so I ended it. This decision was not an easy one and it added to my stress. After ending I thought oh my stress should get better. Wrong again. Ending the friendship added to my stress. I just kept thinking did I make the right choice did I do the right thing. After a few days my ex friend at the time wrote me back and told me everything that was going on well I ended up crying and decided that if she makes me cry in a good way then she deserves another chance.

Saturday finally rolled around and I was really excited because me and one of my friends had decided earlier in the week that we were going to go downtown to the canal because it was something to do and it was free. Well before we went downtown we decided that we wanted to go shopping because a lot of the stores were having good sales. Not only that but most of the time shopping takes my stress away. So off to the mall we went and while I was there I felt really good and didn't have a care in the world. It was finally time to go to the canal so me and two of my friends headed downtown. We started to walk the canal and all the sudden this huge storm clouds rolled in and I started to freak out so we quickly turned back around and headed to the mall. After the mall my friends came back to my house and we had a great time just dance around and watching movies. I thought finally my stress is gone.

Sunday then came and the stress returned....at this point I stressed that my stress hadn't gone away yet. I took a nap that afternoon and tried to forget about everything. That night I hung out with some friends and things were good and then today came and things weren't going my way. I gave up early and didn't care. I think that is why I am stressed when things don't seem to be going my way I freak out and become this person that I do not like very much. As I continue to type I am realizing that the cause of my stress this past week is that I am just tired and I have been giving up way too easily because I don't want to have to deal with things. So in the end blogging about my stress really did help me I feel much more relaxed and free.

Moving Forward

Yesterday I went to go see Jon McLaughlin at Military Park. I at first didn't really want to go. I was very tired from the past week and I just want to relax until I had to go to my cousin's open house. However I do not regret going at all. Jon McLaughlin used to be one of my favorite artist but as I went to college I stopped listening to him I don't know why. Today when I heard him I fell in love with his music again. His songs are very inspiring and are very relaxing. His songs if you actually listen to the lyrics having really good meaning. He is original from Indiana. He actually has a song called Indiana and as I stood there today and listened to him play this song it made me began to think.

If you know me I want to eventually move to California. If I don't have the chance to move to California then I want to move to a bigger city. While Jon McLaughlin kept playing Indiana my mind began to wander. I started think about where I did want to live when I grow up. I realized that my call was to go to a bigger city. I think that I have always known this. Especially with every career I have ever been interested in. However as my mind wandered more I realized that Indiana is always going to be the place I call home. Who knows I could end up in Indiana. Either way though it is where home is. It is where my family is. While I know I complain a lot about Indiana and how boring it is. It is not always such a bad place to live. I know that if I ever get out of Indiana. I will always come and visit because it is the place where I grew up. It is where I became who I am today and it will always be the place where I feel most safe. I feel as though whoever you are you are always looking for something more something better. That is what I always used to say. I always used to say that I want to get out of Indiana because it would be better but now I realize that Indiana while it is not the best it is good enough for me.

Another song that Jon McLaughlin sings is called just four years. While it talks about the different aspects of high school. It also talks about how much life changes and you are only in high school for four years. It made me start to think about how college for most people is just four years. It then hit me I have already completed one year of college. That started to freak me out because I only have three more years in college. Three more years until I really have to grow up. Now three years seems like a long time but when I think about how fast my freshmen year went I beginning to worry about how fast the next three years will be. I look back now on the past five years of my life and wonder where the time has gone. It feels like just yesterday I was a scared little freshmen. It is surreal that in the fall I will be starting my sophomore year of college! What freaks me out more is I know as each year comes I will become more busy with school and working that time will just fly by. Now don't get me wrong I am excited to be done with school and start a career but it scares me at the same time because the real world is not always a friendly place to be. I have seen some of hard times people have gone through because when they get to the real world they don't know what to do. I just hope and pray that when I reach that point I will have some idea of what is going on and how to handle things. Jon McLaughlin's song talks about how the table turns in the real world. Thinking about I feel after the next three years I will be ready for the real world. Saturday was a great day. It got me back into an artist that I had some what forgotten about. His songs inspire me and make me believe in myself more. While I hate to think about how the next three years are going to go fast I am ready for them. I am ready for what the future holds. It is very scary and exciting. I know for a fact though wherever I end up I will always and forever call Indiana home.

Weekends

This past weekend was the last weekend that I have before I start work. I start nannying tomorrow. I am having mixed feelings about this. I love nannying because the kids that i nanny for are great.On the other hand it means getting up and having to be on the go all day. I have been looking forward to starting to nanny again for a while but as it draws closer I don't know how am going to make it through tomorrow. There will definitely have to be some coffee tomorrow morning as I head out to what is going to be a very busy day.

I thought that this weekend would be a good weekend as my friends were graduating and I just had time to spend with people I haven't seen in a while. I spend most of Friday with my sister helping her moving her things from her old school to her new school. I loved this part of the day because I cannot remember the last time I really spend that much time with my sister. However I could not help but think about what I was going to do when I got back into town. I was going to see my friend in the hospital. If you know me at all I hate hospitals. They are just so sad and my heart just breaks for the people that have to be in there. Well I got back from helping my sister and it was off to the hospital with two of my other friends. The whole way there I was trying to prepare myself for what I was about to encounter. We finally got to the hospital and I thought I was going to be fine. However I walked into the hospital room and saw my friend and it took all of me to not just break down and cry right there. While my friend still acted kind of like himself I could tell that he was in pain and I hate it. The car ride home we were all pretty quite as we all seemed to have a lot on our minds. On the car ride home I just remember just looking out the window and thinking about how lucky I am to be healthy and fine but at the same time I realized that I could have been in that hospital bed just like my friend was. I sometimes feel as though I am unstoppable and nothing can touch me. When I saw my friend I realized that I was not unstoppable and things could hurt me.

After Friday I was ready for something to cheer me up. Saturday morning I went to my high school's graduation. As I sat there watching the graduation I couldn't believe that a year had already passed. I reflected on all that had happened over the past year and how much things had changed. Things were definitely not the same as they were a year ago. Many things had changed. I knew that things were going to change after I went to college but I didn't think they would change as much as they did. Saturday night I just sat outside with one of my friends talking about how much things had changed and how much more they were going to change over the next three years. Right there I decided that it was time for me to accept things that I cannot change. If I didn't then I would constantly be unhappy with the way things were. I also noticed how some of the people I used to be close to I am not even friends with anymore. This made me think about where things went wrong. As thought about it I realized that nothing really happened we just went our separate ways and we went out to find who we really are and if that meant growing apart then than it was for the best.

Finally Sunday came and I couldn't believe how fast my weekend had gone by so fast. I only had one open house to go on Sunday so I spent my day laying out. It was then time for the open house and it was great because I got to hang out with one of my friends that I haven't seen since I left for school. Then Sunday night came and I decided to have a bonfire at my house. It was really good at first but then one of my friends who said they were coming didn't show up so I was really bummed out about that and it kind of just took over the rest of night. It made me think about what people are really important in my life and who really wants me in their life. So to say the least this weekend was definitely not what I expected at all but it has definitely made me want to start my nannying soon!

random thought

I have I recently started reading the book Crazy Love. The reason i started reading this book was first because my bible study leaders told us that a good way to stay close to God was to read a book like this. The second reason is because I have always wanted to read this book I heard about a year ago and then other people have told about how good it is and it will really make you think. So I went out and bought the other day and really just left at that point. I really did not have the motivation to start reading it or anything like that but then as it sat on my desk I would look at everyday and say to myself I really need to start reading. So the book finally got to me and picked it up off my desk and started to read and it within the first couple of pages I was hooked. I was just so moved by what the author was saying to me. I had heard what he was saying before but it hit me in a new way. The thing that I like about the book is that he challenges you to think and he also has videos that go with some of the points that he is trying to make. So as I am reading I come across a part where he tells you to go and watch this video and the video is called juststopandthinkaboutit. It talked about a lot of different things but thing that hit me the most is when he was talking about judging people. I tend to judge people just like everyone else but this he really made me think about how I do really judge people. I will sometimes look at someone and be like well at least I am not as bad as them and said that in the video that we don't have that right and that we are just as bad as them. That really hit me that I need to take a step back and look at myself before I stand there and judge other people. I also realized that God is the only that has right to judge people and he still doesn't he loves everyone no matter what they have done! I know this was random but it was just something that was on my mind.

Things to come

Since the time that I have been home I have a lot of time to think. I am a person who thinks a lot and sometimes it can be a good thing because I get a lot of things figured out and other times I over think things and then I worry. If you know me I worry about the littlest things. One of the things that really freaks me out whenever I think about it is the future. I hate thinking about the future because I do not have any control over it and I don't know what is going to happen. I am a person who loves to be in control and know what is coming. If you have seen my room and have seen my calendar I have most everything planned out for the day and I know exactly what I am doing. Now that is not to say that I don't like to do random things because I do but when it comes down to things that I need to get done I make sure to get them done and I have a plan on exactly how to get them done. However that is not the point.The point is that the future freaks me out. I worry about what exactly I am going to do when I get out of college. I want to be a buyer but I freak out that I won't get a job or I won't get the job that I want. I also worry about who I am going to marry and where I am going to live. However recently when I think about the future it doesn't freak me out as much anymore. I have realized that I like not having control of my future. I like that God knows exactly what is going to happen. I like the surprises that each day holds because I don't know what is going to happen next. I also know that things will fall into place when the time is right. That things will happen when I am mature enough and ready for them to happen and I am totally ok with this. Now if you would have asked me this a year ago I would freak out and be very worried and go into panic mode. I would have tried to figure out how exactly to get where I want to get no matter what I had to do to get there. But now I am better and I don't stress about the future as much now that is not to say I still don't stress out about it because believe me I do but I have just realized how to handle it better.

where has the time gone?

As I sit here in my room at home looking around at all the old pictures that I have but when in reality they really aren’t that old they were just a year ago. I cannot believe that I graduated a year ago it just seems crazy to me. As sit here writing this there are many things that are going through my head. I am wonder about where the time has gone. It seems like yesterday I was packing up the van for move in day and now it is the end of my freshmen year. Wow has the time has flown. As I sit here and wonder about how the time as flown it also makes me think about if I have truly lived my life to the fullest if I have taken things for granted. And after thinking about it I have realized that I do take a lot of things for granted. I take my family for granted a lot of times. I have been blessed with a great family but sometimes I do not realize that or sometimes I find myself complaining about the little things in life and not realizing that there are people out there that have it a lot worse than me. I need to realize that I am blessed that I get to live each and every day. I am blessed that I can wake up every morning and not have to worry about where my next meal is coming from or how I am going to make it through the day. Granted I do wake up some mornings and don’t know how I am going to make it through the day. But recently I have realized that I don’t really have the right to think that because I live comfortably and I really don’t have a lot of things to worry about. As I sit here I wonder what the summer and the future holds for me. As of right now I hope the summer is full of adventure with great friends. I hope that it is a summer to remember. I know one thing is for sure once summer really starts it will be busy and I don’t know if I am ready for that. Sometimes I wish that things would slow down but then I realize that it’s not the things around me that need to slow down but it’s me who needs to slow down. I make myself busy not anyone else. I decide what I am going to do and I also decide where my life is going. I am a very controlling person so you would think that I would like this.However, I do not like this kind of control because it is me who is making myself busy no one else. So when I say that I am busy I have no one but myself to blame. Now I am not complaining about being busy because most of the time it is nice to keep things going and be doing things. However some of the time I just want it all to stop.So this summer I hope will be an adventure but I also hope that there will be a lot of me time. Not the kind of me time where I am selfish but a me time where I can just be myself and reflect on the day. Time where I can spend thinking about my day to see if I have really truly lived that day or if I kind of just did whatever because that is what everyone else was doing. I am excited for what the summer has in store for. There are tons of other things that are going through my head at this point but nothing that you would really want to hear about. The biggest thing is where has the time gone? and did I really make the most of everyday.